| | So I will challenge myself to summarize the past year in a sentence. . .
Carly and I are still together, she in New York, I in Portland; summer was drunken, fall was stressful, winter was depressing, and the times, they are a changing.
So here I sit on my couch, thinking over my life, (you know, like we all do. . . don't shake your head, you do it too, I bet you are doing it right now, sitting on your couch in your underwear, thinking about your life) and recently I have done a bit of house cleaning.
I returned to update my myspace page after months of not even checking it, and at least a year without even updating it, and what did I find? I found a great number of blogs, all of which contained quotes like "I think too much" or "I am so burdened by thinking" or "I would sleep, if only I didn't have this thinking problem".
Jesus! Listen to me! I can't believe anyone ACTUALLY read those, and commented on them. I don't know who to be more ashamed of, myself, or my friends for supporting my narcissistic addiction. So what did I do? I gutted it, tore it limb from limb, and rebuilt it.
This is much less a blog talking about how awesome I am, or how smart I am, or how much I think, this is all going to be about what I see, and what I think about it, and I know that that still sounds pretty narcissistic, but what the hell, I am going to do it anyway.
I am sick and tired of all of this depressed, woe is me, shit coming from my writing. If I want to become a better writer, I should just write, dammit! I need to stop making weak ass excuses, trying to trick people in to not believing in me so that if I disappoint them they won't be surprised (I will get to that later). So much of this internet persona is trying to portray something that you yourself would like to see in yourself. Sometimes it borders on metacognition, where you create this being that exists as a model of what you want to be and then juxtapose that with who you think of yourself as being. These two conflicting goals usually end up with the usual myspace/facebook/blog where we make our best attempts at putting on a happy face, and at the same time, bear enough of our soul that people are bated in to seeing who we really are (or at least who we want them to think we really are).
Now I am counting myself as a chief offender in this crime. I have forged too many sentences, and paragraphs with these goals in mind, though they are often not seen at the time of writing. So in a sense, this is a restart.
I am realizing that if I want to blog, I want to blog, and when I will write it will be about what I desire to write about, not what I think people will want to hear. I won't write about how much I am a terrible person, because I write that so that people will say, "Look at how he thinks about himself, oh he is so _______."
I am sick and tired of that, I am a human, and I am full of desires, ambitions, goals, loves, hates, failures, etc.
Lets see where this goes!
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| | Posted 2/25/2008 3:46 AM - 80 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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